Last week, I reached out to a consultant for information about life coaching. I had been reading through his book and decided that it might be beneficial for me to speak to him one-on-one.

After reviewing his website, I contact him by email to find out his rates. I am taken aback when I realize that his rates are approximately double the highest price I was expecting to pay.

As I pray and think about how I would like to proceed, I surmise that I can choose to respond in one of five ways:

1) Complain. I can’t afford to pay the consultant’s fee right now. Out of sheer frustration, I choose to take on a ‘woe is me’ victim mentality, deciding that the situation is not to my liking and seems helpless.

2) Downgrade the consultant because I’m not convinced that he’s worth what he’s asking for. I try to convince him that he’s worth less than what he’s asking for so that I can get a deal. If the consultant is truly confident and knows his value, this won’t work. If he doesn’t, he may cave. I may instantly feel better about my current financial situation and inability to afford him. Chances are, though, that he’ll feel undervalued and resentful that I didn’t respect him enough to pay anywhere near what he was worth.

3) Look elsewhere because the cost is too much. I decide that the consultant legitimately isn’t the right fit, or maybe I’m just unwilling to pay the cost. If the consultant isn’t the right fit, I may find similar help elsewhere and ultimately end up with what I’m looking for at a rate I can afford. The other possibility is that I’ll find a consultant who offers me some of what I need, but that I’ll miss out because I’m not willing to sacrifice.

4) Do my research and ask questions. Is the cost reasonable? Is it warranted based on the consultants’ expertise, reputation and other qualities? I might be the problem because I’m too cheap to pay the consultant what he’s worth, or the consultant could actually be the problem. Maybe now isn’t the time to cut and run. Maybe I just need to find out the going rate. Could it be that the consultant is overpriced?

5) Save up. I recognize the consultant’s worth and value. Although I can’t pay right now, I’m willing to be patient, delay my personal gratification and prepare for the future.

After running through this mental exercise, I consider my relationships and boundaries by comparison. A lot of us women (and men) settle in our friendships and relationships because we’re afraid to end up alone, we’re impatient and/or we’re not fully convinced that God will come through for us. We see other ‘consultants’ with ‘clients’ and wonder if we’ve made a mistake because we don’t have any.

As a woman who has been (and continues to be) single for most of my life, I put myself in the shoes of the consultant. How might I respond to a guy who approaches me in each of the five ways?  Let’s revisit the five options with consultancy and relationship in mind.

1) Complaining never solves anything. I have a tendency to do this when I feel like my current life circumstances are unfair or if I feel a sense of helplessness or lack of control. On days like this, I do well to remember (but usually forget) a portion of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

2) Life is not a flea market. You don’t get to barter and downgrade just so that you can afford to take something, or in this case, someone home. If you can’t wholeheartedly respect someone’s boundaries, it’s better to just let go.

3) Know when to hold ‘em.  This can be the hardest scenario to deal with, so I’m going to park here for a while. It can be difficult to let go of a potential client because you’re not willing to budge on your cost. Similarly, letting go of a potential love interest can hurt, but it’s better than settling for someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries or the work you’ve put into becoming who you are (see scenario two).

Part of the reason we struggle with this one is that it may take a while (or even a lifetime) for another client/love interest to come along. I’m not going to mince words. This scenario can definitely suck at times. I think this is where a lot of people struggle, myself included. At times I feel lonely and it gets to me.

You’re watching all your friends get married, wondering when it will be your turn. Why am I still single? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I made a mistake when I broke up with [insert name of your ex here].

It can be especially hard to watch ‘the client’ move on and find happiness with another person while you remain clientless (i.e. single). But does that truly mean you made a mistake?  Not necessarily.

I’ll stop here. I could probably write an entirely blog post on this topic alone (and probably will).

4) You have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the client is actually right. Your price is way too high and you need to adjust in order to be more competitive. Where relationships are concerned, your boundaries are really walls that God has been trying to address, but perhaps you haven’t been letting Him.

This is another scenario that can be a hard pill to swallow. No one likes to think that they may be single for a valid reason, but it’s worth considering. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations for what a relationship should be like or a distorted view of the type of person you really are.

If we find ourselves in a situation where someone is willing work with us and ask questions, we’d do well to consider if God is trying to teach us something. It could still turn out that the consultant and client will part ways, but they’ll both be better for it.

5) Be flexible and open with this type of person. The person who is willing to save up is not trying to disrespect you. They’re just not used to spending this kind of money. Offer them a payment plan. You probably won’t regret it.

Is it possible for someone to be the right person at the wrong time? I think so. Maybe one or both of you have some maturing to do. Taking things slowly and developing a friendship might pay off in the end.

So, all things considered, what did I decide about the consultant in question? I decided I’m going to save up and check him out for one session. In the long run, it may turn out that he’s not the life coach for me. Or, this could turn out to be a life-altering experience that I won’t soon forget.

Read: Luke 8:43-48

Deep down, I’ve always known that I have a fear of commitment, but I never realized just how all-encompassing it is until recently. I spend so long trying to decide if I’m making the right decision that I never actually set foot in the water so that it can divide. I prefer to weigh all the available options from a safe place where I have plausible deniability:

 No, I’m not really disappointed that I didn’t get that job because I’m not sure I wanted it.

 Of course I don’t mind that things with that guy didn’t work out. We weren’t actually in a relationship. We were definitely just friends.

Sometimes we’ve been so hurt by our past experiences, misses and failures that it’s hard to imagine that things will work out if we try again. The mere possibility of facing another failure or rejection is enough to keep us on the bench.

In Luke 8, a woman who had been sick for twelve years saw an opportunity for healing and decided to take a shot. She had spent all her time and money visiting doctors and hoping for a cure. She had come up empty time and again. In spite of the shame of her past, she resolved to reach out one more time, to Jesus, with the faith that he could heal her.

Are you holding back in any area of your life because you’re afraid to take a risk? For me, those areas include writing, my career, relationships and surrendering to God. There’s a point at which we just have to commit. We can hem and haw about it, but we may end up missing our opportunity or worse, settling for less than God’s best.

Are there any areas in your life where you need to commit and just take the shot? As the saying goes, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Further reading: John 21:1-6

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me (Ruth 1:20, NLT).

I woke up early yesterday morning and happened to flip to the page in my journal with this draft blog post. A departure from my typical style, it is very raw and filled with opinions that I’ve held for a while about my slow and not-so-steady transition from hypocritical church girl, with all the related religious head knowledge, to broken vessel with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

• At times, Christians don’t tell the truth because they are afraid that they are going to get caught not believing in Jesus.
• I feel like the longer you’ve been in church, the better trained you are to wear a mask and to lie about how you’re really doing. So, ‘un-churched’ people come in and feel like they can’t relate.
• I’m walking on eggshells because people see me a certain way and expect me to be a nice person. When they really get to know me, I don’t think I live up to their expectations.
• I’m a pessimist. I expect things to go badly. If they go well, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• Sometimes I say congratulations, but I don’t really care all that much. Most times, I’m fighting feelings of jealousy and insecurity when I hear other people’s good news. How much of what I do is out of a genuine love for people and how much is because I’m terrified of being alone?
• I don’t do well with fancy, Christian-ese sayings because my belief level is typically not on par with the head knowledge I used to come up with the response in the first place. For example, answers to, “How are you doing?” might be: I’m the Apple of His Eye, Blessed and Highly Favoured, I’m the Righteousness of God in Christ, etc.
• I feel like I spend so much time worrying about how I’m ‘supposed’ to live that I never actually live.
• I’m angry that my family has so many secrets and that we don’t face the truth.
• Why should I be giving people advice about life when I know absolutely nothing about how to live successfully on this earth and my life looks like a hot mess?
• What do I know about relationships?
• I’m tired of trying to be happy-go-lucky just so that I can fit in. I’m not Yes, I’m expressive, get excited and smile, but there is a sadness in my heart that I don’t get to share because it’s not acceptable to be angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, [insert other negative adjective] as a believer at church on Sunday morning. Why should I pretend to be happy when I’m not happy? Naomi said, “Call me Mara” because she felt that her life tasted very bitter.
• I feel crushed. Father, I literally need you to take me out of the pit I’m in right now and to demonstrate how to live well.

Can you relate? How do you deal with shame?

 

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death (Proverbs 14:12; NIV)

Gluten sensitivity left me bagel-less for five years. I decide to break my streak when, at my favourite soup and salad joint, I’m hit with a craving for the first time in a long time.

Fresh butter; warm toasted bagel. The shining bagel is calling my name. I bite in happily and text my brother to inform him about my decision (he’s VERY anti-gluten). I’m indulging in a little bit of heaven and want him to know what he’s missing. He immediately asks how I’m feeling. I gloat in ecstasy.

That was then. Thirty minutes later, I’m still experiencing the bloated fruits of my labour.

The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23), but we tend to ignore or disbelieve this truth when our lives don’t immediately exhibit any negative side effects. Like a time release capsule, it may take weeks, months or years to experience the true consequences of our actions or inaction.

I’ve been experiencing this firsthand in the area of laziness. I know some of the things that I’m supposed to do, but I just won’t do them. And truthfully, my inactivity really didn’t bother me until I noticed how quickly my savings account had dwindled. Like that heavenly-tasting bagel, my relaxed, lazy ways seemed great until I woke up to the harsh reality of and limited opportunity. Even so, I had recently thrown caution to the wind and returned to the poor, debt-inducing spending habits that I had been working so hard to break. Now it will be even harder to get back on track. Furthermore, the listlessness that comes from not reaching towards your God-given dreams and goals has been more than a little overwhelming.

Anytime we decide to boycott the principles outlined in the Word of God, we experience various forms and stages of death.

Don’t be misled–you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. (Galatians 6:7, NLT)

As I examine my spiritual walk with Jesus, relationships, finances, family, friendships, physical fitness and career, I recognize that I have a lot of work to do in all these areas. Thankfully, though, we have not been left to our own devices.

All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right (2 Timothy 3:16, NLT).

 I’m grateful to have the Holy Spirit and a community of believing friends that loves me. Sometimes I don’t realize that I’ve been feeling discouraged until I get around the people who care about me the most. I’ve always tried to “fix” the areas in my life on my own, but God didn’t design this Christian life to be lived alone. Some of my dreams have been on the brink (ahem, I haven’t written for months), but thank God for the people He’s sent to pour into me.

Have you identified any areas of death in your life? Ask your Heavenly Father for help. Confess and share your story with someone. We truly are in this together.

I watch a child have a meltdown as I eat my barbecue ribs. The ribs are good but the screeching isn’t. I’m wondering if this is what we sound like to our Heavenly Father when we don’t get our way….

No more than four, the two little Asian girls sitting across from me in coordinating dresses are ridiculously cute. That is, until the one to my right erupts into a crying fit. Her sister has a kiddy pizza and she wants one too. The only problem is that she ordered ribs and fries. Apparently, she no longer wants this meal. It doesn’t look as appetizing as her sister’s.

Her mother tries to calm her down, looking around embarrassed. We’re in a busy restaurant and a bunch of patrons are trying to watch the game.

About five minutes later, though, I notice that the screaming has stopped. The girl, now silent, munches happily on her sister’s plate of pizza. I watch her mother side-eye her with a look of disgust. She will live to fight another day.

Some of us are screaming children who are not happy with our portion; however, God is not going to switch our plate. We’ve been created with a purpose, so coveting someone else’s job, marriage or ministry is not going to cut it. Our Heavenly Father has already prepared the meal that He knows is best for us, even if we don’t understand or agree. We can fuss and fight and try to switch plates (believe me, I’ve tried), but we’re never going to be happy. We’ll just be struggling to live a life that doesn’t fit.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10, NIV)

What has God called you to do? Are you doing it or are you pursuing a course of action that seems a bit more socially acceptable? Are you complaining, screaming or running away from God’s will for your life?

I’ve spent a lot of time arguing with God and expressing my discontent. Looking at other people’s talents and gifts, I want those things instead of what He’s already given me. I’m slowly realizing that kicking up a fuss never gets me anywhere. And guess what? It won’t work for you either. We’re all just better off to surrender.

What areas of your life do you need to surrender to God?