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Try Honesty

July 14, 2017 by Andrea Leave a Comment


“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me (Ruth 1:20, NLT).

I woke up early yesterday morning and happened to flip to the page in my journal with this draft blog post. A departure from my typical style, it is very raw and filled with opinions that I’ve held for a while about my slow and not-so-steady transition from hypocritical church girl, with all the related religious head knowledge, to broken vessel with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

  • At times, Christians don’t tell the truth because they are afraid that they are going to get caught not believing in Jesus.
  • I feel like the longer you’ve been in church, the better trained you are to wear a mask and to lie about how you’re really doing. So, ‘un-churched’ people come in and feel like they can’t relate.
  • I’m walking on eggshells because people see me a certain way and expect me to be a nice person. When they really get to know me, I don’t think I live up to their expectations.
  • I’m a pessimist. I expect things to go badly. If they go well, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
  • Sometimes I say congratulations, but I don’t really care all that much. Most times, I’m fighting feelings of jealousy and insecurity when I hear other people’s good news. How much of what I do is out of a genuine love for people and how much is because I’m terrified of being alone?
  • I don’t do well with fancy, Christian-ese sayings because my belief level is typically not on par with the head knowledge I used to come up with the response in the first place. For example, answers to, “How are you doing?” might be: I’m the Apple of His Eye, Blessed and Highly Favoured, I’m the Righteousness of God in Christ, etc.
  • I feel like I spend so much time worrying about how I’m ‘supposed’ to live that I never actually live.
  • I’m angry that my family has so many secrets and that we don’t face the truth.
  • Why should I be giving people advice about life when I know absolutely nothing about how to live successfully on this earth and my life looks like a hot mess?
  • What do I know about relationships?
  • I’m tired of trying to be happy-go-lucky just so that I can fit in. I’m not Yes, I’m expressive, get excited and smile, but there is a sadness in my heart that I don’t get to share because it’s not acceptable to be angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, [insert other negative adjective] as a believer at church on Sunday morning. Why should I pretend to be happy when I’m not happy? Naomi said, “Call me Mara” because she felt that her life tasted very bitter.
  • I feel crushed. Father, I literally need you to take me out of the pit I’m in right now and to demonstrate how to live well.

Can you relate? How do you deal with shame?

 

ABOUT ME

Icing: I'm an event planner by day, and a writer, naturalista and cupcake aficionado pretty much every other time.

Cake: I'm trying to follow Jesus one day at a time.

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