I woke up early yesterday morning and happened to flip to the page in my journal with this draft blog post. A departure from my typical style, it is very raw and filled with opinions that I’ve held for a while about my slow and not-so-steady transition from hypocritical church girl, with all the related religious head knowledge, to broken vessel with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
- At times, Christians don’t tell the truth because they are afraid that they are going to get caught not believing in Jesus.
- I feel like the longer you’ve been in church, the better trained you are to wear a mask and to lie about how you’re really doing. So, ‘un-churched’ people come in and feel like they can’t relate.
- I’m walking on eggshells because people see me a certain way and expect me to be a nice person. When they really get to know me, I don’t think I live up to their expectations.
- I’m a pessimist. I expect things to go badly. If they go well, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
- Sometimes I say congratulations, but I don’t really care all that much. Most times, I’m fighting feelings of jealousy and insecurity when I hear other people’s good news. How much of what I do is out of a genuine love for people and how much is because I’m terrified of being alone?
- I don’t do well with fancy, Christian-ese sayings because my belief level is typically not on par with the head knowledge I used to come up with the response in the first place. For example, answers to, “How are you doing?” might be: I’m the Apple of His Eye, Blessed and Highly Favoured, I’m the Righteousness of God in Christ, etc.
- I feel like I spend so much time worrying about how I’m ‘supposed’ to live that I never actually live.
- I’m angry that my family has so many secrets and that we don’t face the truth.
- Why should I be giving people advice about life when I know absolutely nothing about how to live successfully on this earth and my life looks like a hot mess?
- What do I know about relationships?
- I’m tired of trying to be happy-go-lucky just so that I can fit in. I’m not Yes, I’m expressive, get excited and smile, but there is a sadness in my heart that I don’t get to share because it’s not acceptable to be angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, [insert other negative adjective] as a believer at church on Sunday morning. Why should I pretend to be happy when I’m not happy? Naomi said, “Call me Mara” because she felt that her life tasted very bitter.
- I feel crushed. Father, I literally need you to take me out of the pit I’m in right now and to demonstrate how to live well.
Can you relate? How do you deal with shame?